Productivity

"Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing."                                                                              Theodore Roosevelt

Yesterday I spent some time out at the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum with a friend.  We walked through some of the gardens - no, they are no longer blooming and yes, it was

darn cold.  But we talked as we walked and then went inside to warm up over a cup of hot chocolate infused coffee. Our talking and walking has given me much to think about.  

Our discussion was wide ranging - families, travel, God, and politics (tough to avoid these days). Suffusing this conversation was the concept of productivity - its value and, more important, its definition.

The US culture is a "doing" culture. While other cultures around the world (many African cultures, for example) emphasize 'being' the US culture values 'doing' much more highly.  It permeates our thinking and our language. The Roosevelt quote above reflects what most of use have been taught.  When we are asked to describe ourselves we often start with a statement of what we do - I'm a teacher, I'm a doctor, I'm a writer.  We think of ourselves in terms of what we do representing who we are. When we meet someone new we ask "So, what do you do?"  On Monday at work our conversations often start with asking "What did you do this past weekend?" and our end of the week conversations switch to "What are you going to do this coming weekend?"  We have our calendars full of appointments and obligations and we schedule those things far in advance. (Several years ago I received a "save the date" card for a wedding over a year before the actual wedding was to take place.)  We schedule virtually everything in our lives and we have extended that to scheduling our childrens' lives as well.  

I got my first job when I was 12 years old.  After that, I was never without a job. During college I always worked in addition to taking classes and during a few of those years I worked 3 jobs at a time.  Hard work was something I learned at home from both of my parents.  The message of productivity was clear - you didn't expect someone else to support you (parent or spouse) - you worked to support yourself. And, whatever work you did, you worked hard and did the best job you possibly could.  And, as my fellow teachers can attest to, work and productivity weren't limited to an 8 hour day.  Evenings and weekends grading papers and preparing for classes is simply an understood part of the job.  And in our current age of email and constant contact many people find it difficult to turn off work at all - working on projects and answering emails far beyond regular working hours.  

Since retiring I have run up against this cultural expectation in some interesting ways. I've been told by some "I'm never going to retire - I'd be so bored" and have been asked by others if I am bored.  I've also received the question "So, what do you DO all day?"  asked in a tone of complete bewilderment.  Those questions are absolutely connected to our cultural definition of 'productivity'.  

So I am doing some things that fit into that definition of productivity.  I'm doing some editing work, I'm doing some volunteer work.  But I'm doing other things that I'm sure wouldn't fall into that definition.  I'm taking piano lessons again, I'm writing, I'm going to the gym, I'm studying French, I'm crocheting scarves for a domestic violence shelter, I'm walking my dog.  While I'm doing all of those things, I'm thinking.  I'm thinking a lot.  

Much of that thinking does not result in a tangible 'product' - something I can show when I'm asked that 'what are you doing with your life' question.  It doesn't appear 'productive' in the sense that we are culturally trained to expect.  But I think it is.  I think it's productive in some ways that are different than the type of productivity I used to engage in - not a better or more important productivity - just a different one.   

So my couple of hours yesterday, walking and talking, was productive.  It nurtured a friendship.  It gave both of us the opportunity to learn from the others' perspective.  It gave us time to think out loud together - and doing that causes us to examine and question our beliefs and our values.  Plato defined thinking as "the talking of the soul with itself." Given our current political and cultural climate, taking time to really think through why we believe what we believe seems important - a very productive use of time.  Spending some time in self-reflection helps us to see some of the weaknesses in our thinking and gives us the opportunity to challenge ourselves to grow - to make our particular little corner of the world a bit kinder and more compassionate - a bit better.  

Power

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." .... Abraham Lincoln

I spent as much time yesterday as I could stomach watching the Judiciary Committee hearings regarding Supreme Court Justice nominee Brent Kavanaugh.  I felt sick throughout and still feel sick, literally sick, today.  I, of course, am old enough to remember the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas hearings from 1991.  It sickens and saddens me that the only progress the Senate appears to have made over the past 27 years is to hire someone (a woman, no less) to do their dirty work for them.

I've spent the past 35 years of my career teaching Interpersonal Communication.  For the last 20 of those years I have also taught about Domestic Violence believing that to talk about Interpersonal Relationships without talking about intimate violence was simply not possible.  The evidence is clear and frightening - the most dangerous thing a woman will ever do is get into some sort of a relationship - friend, lover, spouse - with a man. 

And, the research is also clear that most intimate violence goes unreported.  Why?  Well, according the the research (and the number of students who have confided their own experiences to me over the years) - because women are afraid.   Because they are afraid of retribution.  Because they are afraid of having their reputation trashed.  Because they are afraid of being looked at differently by those they know and love.  Because they are afraid of damage to their careers and to their families. Because they are afraid of not being believed. Because they want to forget their trauma, not re-live it in front of a live audience so others can bear witness to their humiliation.  Because of what you've just witnessed. 

The contrast is vivid - hundreds of men have come forward to report sexual violence at the hands of Catholic priests from 30 years ago when they were children.  No one questions their memory.  No one suggests that it's just a case of mistaken identity.  No one suggests that it's a giant left-wing conspiracy perpetrated on behalf of the Clintons (Seriously?  Seriously?) and that it's a giant smear campaign.  No.  These men are believed.  These MEN are believed.

Don't try to tell me that it's because it's just her - there are no other accusations.  There are currently 3 accusations.  But it wouldn't make a difference if there were 16 accusations - as the population has made clear in its refusal to hold President Trump accountable for not only the accusations against him but also for his own admission to this behavior on tape: "You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful -- I just start kissing them.  It's like a magnet.  Just kiss.  I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything."

What I also find disturbing about the spectacle of this event is the discrepancy between the expectations we have about women's behavior vs. men's behavior.  Brett Kavanaugh can rage and shout and scream and it's evidence of the truth of his position.  If Dr. Ford had raged and shouted and screamed you can bet that it would have been evidence of the falseness of her position.  The double standard here is contemptible.

Part of that is the result of the past 250 years in our country's history where men were the standard and everything women do is judged by that standard. I am convinced that what we are seeing is the absolute conviction many men have that power should be theirs. And that anything that needs to be done to keep that power is fair game. 

Supreme Court Justice nominations have probably always been politicized.  I understand that and am willing to acknowledge "that's the game" and it goes both ways.  I certainly agree that the Democrats should have moved on this weeks ago - not waited until now.  I won't argue that and I'm sure that was a political (and contemptible) decision.  But the timing of when to move on this issue does not impact the facts of the case.  She took a polygraph test.  He didn't.  But 'she must be mistaken' and we can simply believe what he claims becuase he claims it. Because, as we all know, men never lie.  Perhaps even more disturbing is the reality that clearly, for many, the point isn't even that they don't believe the accusations.  It's that they don't care. 

Over the past dozen or so years I have become more and more convinced that the Republican party - AS WE SEE IT TODAY -- needs to go.  It is no longer about governing.  It is no longer about the public good.  It is no longer about a moral or ethical stance.  It is about POWER.  Mitch McConnell refused for months to bring Merrick Garland's (a known moderate) nomination to the committee for a vote.  Why? Because of power.   

I understand that the abortion issue is, for many people, a moral and ethical one and the driving force behind their position on any Supreme Court candidate would be if that person MIGHT be counted on to overturn Roe v. Wade.  I don't argue that.  And I am not a 'fan' of abortion and I have never met a single person who is.  But for many men this issue isn't about morality - it's about power. It's about the power that women have to control their own bodies.  It's about the power that women have to make their own decisions.  It's about the rights that women are demanding to have their bodies and their choices respected.  I believe with conviction that IF MEN COULD GET PREGNANT abortion would be a sacrament.  There would be no question at all about whether or not men could end a pregnancy if they didn't want it to continue. That would become the standard.

Those of you who know me know that I am not some rabid, man-hating, see-offense-behind-every- comment person.  I don't believe that ALL men are as I've described.  I know many, many decent men so I know for a fact they aren't. Additionally, I have discussed with many friends the current time we are in and expressed the importance of due process when anyone is accused of something like this.  I've tried, throughout the time I've written this blog, to limit my political comments.  But this time I simply can't keep quiet.  If we refuse to believe this woman, and instead choose to believe this man, we are complicit in perpetrating this type of behavior.  And it's wrong.

 

Peace

"Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding."  - Albert Einstein

As I mentioned in a previous post, a couple of years ago I started attending an Episcopal church. The Episcopal service is liturgical and follows a fairly regimented order.  There are words from the priest and responses from the congregation.  There are readings from the Old Testament and the New Testament and also a reading from one of the gospels and from the psalms.  There is music and there is communion.

There is also the 'passing of the peace.'  This was not something that I grew up with. But, having attended Catholic mass with my best friend for 35 years it was certainly not unfamiliar.  The words that are said are simple: "The peace of the Lord," "Peace be with you," "Peace to you, " or, simply, "Peace." They are accompanied by a handshake or, during cold and flu season, a nod or a wave or an elbow bump.  The Catholic masses that I have attended practice a "points of the compass" passing of the peace.  The person in front of you, the person behind you, the person to the right, the person to the left.  30 seconds to a minute. Done.

During my first service at St. Lukes I was expecting this same process.  And I was wrong.  No points

of the compass at this place.  People were out of their pews and up and down the aisles, passing the peace with anyone they could get their hands on.  It was, momentarily, a little intimidating, but I met more than a dozen people during that first visit specifically during this part of the service.  They asked my name, told me theirs, welcomed me to their church and introduced me to the next person.  It took me a few weeks to get the hang of it, but now I am across the aisle and greeting and welcoming newcomers as well. The 'passing of the peace' is generally a 5 minute process.

One of the outcomes of this practice is that it puts you into contact with people whom you might not otherwise meet.  After the service ends, many people will go across the hall to the library and stay for the coffee time and that allows you to chat and get to know people a little better in a more social setting. But there are many people who don't stay - they are out the door at the end of the service.  The passing of the peace allows you to connect with those people as well - to look them in the eye and recognize them as a person, with a name, and not just as the 'woman in the pink sweater' or the 'guy with the bald spot.'

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the passing of the peace.  I've been thinking of it in terms of our current cultural 'moment.'  A few days ago Donald Trump said in a tweet that "Democrats are the problem.  They don't care about crime and want illegal immigrants, no matter how bad they  may be, to pour into and infest our country..."

Now, I can disagree with the premise of this tweet on any number of fronts.  I'm a Democrat and I care about crime and I don't want illegal immigrants pouring into our country.  I believe in common sense immigration policies and I think we can all see from recent events in Europe that a huge influx of people into any country without a certain amount of planning can create significant social issues in terms of housing, resources and jobs. It can create a scenario where immigrants are trading one set of problems for the same set of problems in a new place.

But the real problem I have with this tweet is his language.  "Infest."  As though they are termites, cockroaches, or vermin of some sort and, as such, must be eliminated.  These immigrants, legal or not, are human beings.  They are people - people just like the people who already live here.  Some are good. Some are probably bad.  They are people - humans created in the image of God.

How is it that we can look at other humans as an 'infestation?'  How can we de-humanize others in such a way?  We can do it when we separate ourselves - when we surround ourselves with people who look just like us and talk just like us and think just like us.  We create an echo chamber in which to live which allows us to see anyone who isn't just like us as -- an infestation.  But when we speak about them as though they are less than human, we allow ourselves to commit atrocities in the ways we treat them.  We keep them in cages. We separate them from their children.

In the years leading up to the 1994 genocide in Rwanda the government referred to the Tutsis as 'cockraoches'.  This is how Rwandan local radio incited the Hutus to violence:
"You have to kill the Tutsis, they're cockroaches."
"All those who are listening, rise so we can fight for our Rwanda.  Fight with the weeapons you have at your disposal: those who have arrows, with arrows, those who have spears, with spears. We must all fight."
"We must all fight the Tutsis.  We must finish with them, exterminate them, sweep them from the whole country.  There must be no refuge for them."
"They must be exterminated.  There is no other way."
"We will squash the infestation."
This strategy by the Rwandan government was quite successful.  The UN estimates that around 800,000 were killed in a 100 day period.

Singer and songwriter Jimi Hendrix once said, "When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace."  The first step down the path of hatred and all that follows from it is the de-humanizing of the 'other'.  The passing of the peace is a practice that reminds us that though we may be strangers we are still connected to one another.  Though we may be different we are all still human.  Peace be with you.

Adventure

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page."  - Augustine of Hippo

I think I've mentioned in a previous post that I grew up poor.  We didn't have much money and there was very rarely any 'extra' to be had.  When I was a teen I remember having 1 present at Christmas while other friends recounted the numbers of gifts received from their parents alone.  I'm not saying this for sympathy - believe me we didn't starve or go homeless - but for context.

One of the consequences of our family income level was travel - or, specifically, the lack of it.  "Vacation" consisted of two weeks every Fall when we would drive across southern South Dakota on I-90 to Sioux Falls and turn south.  We spent those two weeks in a small town, Lennox, where one of my dad's brothers lived and my dad went pheasant hunting with brothers, brothers-in-law, nephews, cousins, and whoever else had a shotgun and a free afternoon.

I was 16 before I ever traveled outside of South Dakota. The thought of going abroad to study for a year in high school was never even on my radar.  I didn't even know if there was such a program at my high school.  It didn't occur to me in college either.  I was 36 before I finally made it out of the country and I've been making up for lost time since then visiting country #32 last summer.

I'll be honest and say that if I have a regret in life that would be it - that I didn't start traveling much sooner.  The adventure of traveling has been one of the greatest gifts I've experienced.  Exploring a new place, experiencing a new culture, meeting new people, is one of the most intense learning experiences you can have and has been one of the great joys of my life.

Yesterday, we said good-bye to my niece at the airport.  She's spending a year in Auckland, New Zealand
as an au pair.  She had to whittle down her clothing and other necessities into 2 suitcases and a carryon.     She has 'met' the family via Skype.  She has talked to the family's former au pair.  But she doesn't really know anybody at her destination. She had to muster the courage to do something that most of us won't ever do - live in a new culture on her own.  She's moving away from her family and friends and all she knows to live in an entirely new environment.

Even though New Zealand is considered a western culture and the majority of people living there (90%) do speak English, it is still 'foreign' for an American. Any culture that you weren't raised in is a 'foreign' culture and visiting or beginning to live in a foreign culture is exhausting.  All the things we take for granted in our home culture are now in question and you must be continually on the alert to avoid giving offense or, in the case of driving on the left, getting yourself or someone else killed.

So, I tip my hat to my amazing niece.  She is doing what I didn't - she's starting her traveling career young.  She's going to have at least a dozen years more than I for exploring the world, meeting new people, and racking up those experiences that shape you in ways that non-travelers will never know.  She's shaping her sense of self, growing her self-confidence, and creating her life. I admire her spirit, her courage, her incredible sense of adventure. Bon voyage! Or, in Maori, Bon rerenga!

Mystery

Those who know me, even a little, know that I love a good mystery.  I learned to read young and quickly moved from Dr. Seuss to Nancy Drew to Agatha Christie.  As I got older my reading interests branched out quite a bit and grew to include biography, history, philosophy, literary fiction and also a variety of non-fiction.  But a rainy or snowy day - give me a cup of something hot, a comfy sofa with a blankie, and a mystery.

I'm certainly not a literary critic and I have no credentials which make me qualified to classify fiction writing as good or bad.  But I know what I like so I can describe what makes fiction "good" for me.  First, and foremost, it's characters.  A good plot is necessary, yes.  In a mystery, writing that keeps me guessing is good.  But the biggest thing for me is the characters.  I look for characters that I can connect with.  They don't have to be like me, but there has to be some quality about them that I can relate to whether that be their thinking process, their attitudes or values, their background, their struggles, the things they think or wonder about. 

My favorite current mystery writer is an author named Jane Haddam.  She has written a couple of different series but the one that I have loved over the years stars a character named Gregor Demarkian.  I read my first Gregor Demarkian book "Not a Creature was Stirring" shortly after it was published.  It was Christmas break in 1990 and it seemed like a good choice for the snow and sofa business that is Minnesota in December.  It was the title that caught me, of course, but it was the characters that kept me coming back book after book.  For the next 28 books. That's right - 29 books in the series. 

The recurring characters in the series have come to feel a little like friends.  They live in a world that is far from my midwestern upbringing - East coast, close-knit ethnic (Armenian) neighborhood.  They  have careers (FBI, best-selling fantasy novelist, Armenian Orthodox priest) that are far away from my career in teaching human communication at the college level.  Many of the characters have money or rub elbows with those who do.  They really are nothing like me or my experience but the main characters think about and wonder about many of the things that I think and wonder about, particularly in regards to human nature. 

A few years ago I stumbled across a blog written by the author of these books.  I read it because of the name of the blog - Hildegarde.  I had just finished reading a book about Hildegarde of Bingen who was a Benedictine abbess in Germany in the 12th century and I was looking for a bit more information.  Somehow this blog came up in a google search?? I really can't remember.  But I loved this blog and have been a pretty faithful reader over the years.  The author teaches at a college and occasionally rants about student writing which I could appreciate.  Many of the topics of her posts seemed to wander their way into her books - although I suppose it is the other way around as the books, most of them, had already been written by the time the blog started.  She writes the blog as though she's sitting across the table talking with you.  She writes her books that way too which is probably one of the reasons I like them so much.  When I read one it feels like a friend telling you the story of these people she knows - and then you get to know them too - at least vicariously. 

The blog had been on a bit of a hiatus but started up again this year.  This week a blog post showed up entitled "The beginning of the end."  The "Oh no!" came out of my mouth because I immediately jumped to the conclusion that she was announcing there would be only one more book in my beloved series and that it was about to be published. I felt disappointment and sadness and was starting to mentally write my objections so I could post a comment on the blog.  Instead, Jane shared that she's been diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer and that the prognosis is not good.

You know that moment when you realize you've been utterly and completely self-involved?  I had that moment this week.  My immediate thought when I read the blog title was about how something would impact me - in this case I felt that I would be losing a group of friends and had a "how can you do this to us?" (imagine that comment in a wail) response.  Then when I got to the part where she told us what was really happening, well.

So how do you respond to something like this?  This woman is not my friend or family member.  I don't know her and probably woudn't recognize her if I bumped into her on the street. (Don't you always assume that author photographs on jacket covers are really someone else - a model who "looks like" what a mystery writer should look like?)  She doesn't know I exist.  I wouldn't have any idea of what to say to someone who has just received news like this.  I don't believe any of those platitudes that people throw around in circumstances like this - 'God has a plan' 'everything happens for a reason' 'God needed another angel' - blah, blah, and bullshit.  Having watched both my mother and my brothers walk through terminal cancer I don't believe that's God's plan for anyone and I don't believe that there's any reason for it either. 

So why am I writing this?  Because I want to say, outloud, that people have an impact on us - even if they don't know it or know us.  And this woman has had an impact on me.  I will miss my friends on Cavanaugh Street.  I will miss the perspective she's shared through her blog.  I will miss her contribution to the world of ideas.  I will miss her.

Bodies

These past few months I've fallen into somewhat of a routine - at least as it relates to mornings.  I wake up early, make coffee, and read awhile. I have my second cup of coffee while watching the first 20 minutes of the CBS Morning news.  At that point I get my walking shoes on and Josie and I head out for our first walk of the day.  When we return, she gets her hair brushed and gets a morning  biscuit as a reward.  I then grab my bag and head to the gym.

The gym is a fascinating place in so many ways.  It is where the entire focus is on bodies and making them better.  I start out on the recumbent bike first working on extension and then on flexion.  The bikes are in a giant room filled with cardio equipment and weight training machines.  Every age group and ethnic group is represented. Certainly every body type is represented - young, old, fat, thin, toned, lumpy.  Some people are intense - focused on their workout and pumping out a gallon of sweat.  Others come with a book to prop up in front of them while they walk or bike at a more leisurely pace.  All, though, are there to improve their bodies - make them stronger, healthier, more flexible.

After half an hour on the bike I head to the pool where I swim 15 to 20 laps (I'm working my way back up to my previous 40) and then I sit in the hot tub. I love sitting in a hot tub outdoors in the middle of winter.  I don't like the hot tub at the gym - it's indoors and, therefore, too hot to stay in very long without getting a little nauseated and light-headed.  But I stay in for the jets. 

The jets in this hot tub are powerful.  I sit and allow them to pummel the i t band on my left leg.  I had a total knee replacement in November of 2017 (thus the bike work on extension and flexion.)  While my recovery has been spectacularly easy and incredibly successful I still have a little muscle stiffness and soreness that I am working through.  The jets are miraculous! Pummeling may be painful but the results are definitely worth it.


The pool area at my gym has giant windows that are directly next to the entrance and front desk. It also has a giant bank of windows that look out on the parking lot.  Directly in front of those windows is a row of handicap parking spaces.  From my vantage point in the hot tub I can observe everyone who comes in and goes out and everyone that uses these spaces.  It is...confusing.  These spaces are always filled - ALWAYS.  I have yet to see one open for more than a few minutes at a time.  And so far, in my observation, not a single person parking in those slots has been in any way 'handicapped.' 


Most of the people I've seen park in these spots are younger than I.  All of them are completely mobile and show no evidence of physical incapacity.  There was the 20-something woman who hopped out of an enormous SUV.  She stopped at the curb, leaned over and tied her shoe, and then jogged over to the entrance.  Literally - jogged.  There was a very large man, very buff, who was clearly into body-building.  He sauntered out of the gym with a massive duffel bag slung over his shoulder and climbed into a pickup truck sitting in one of the spots.  Just this morning as I was leaving I watched an elderly couple - in their 70s at least - slowly making their way across the parking lot to their car while at the same time a young man hurried down the sidewalk to climb into a car in a handicap spot.

I don't get it.  Isn't the point of going to the gym to get exercise?  Why park next to the building in a spot reserved for those with real mobility issues as opposed to parking another 20 feet away in the lot?  Wouldn't it enhance your workout if you could include the steps you'd make to and from your car by parking a little farther away? 

Now I realize that it's possible to have a physical disability that isn't readily seen.  But the implication for these spots truly is about mobility. It's why there's a picture of a wheelchair on the sign.  Mobility issues are observable.  After my knee surgery I had a temporary handicap parking permit.  Actually, I still have it - it doesn't expire until the end of June.  You are given one after a knee surgery because they don't want you falling on the ice.  Also, some people aren't as lucky as I was and their recovery takes a little longer and the walking can be quite painful.

I used my parking permit exactly 3 times - all within the first 2 weeks post-surgery and all because of icy parking lots which did necessitate a bit of hobbling. Otherwise I chose to avoid those spots and leave them open for someone who truly needed them.  Not that I wasn't tempted - those times when you're in a hurry and there are 2 or 3 open slots it's easy to think "what's the harm" and pull right in.  But having had a mobility issue, having had to walk great distances in pain and with a crutch, I see my newly regained mobility as incredible good fortune.  I've been hobbling and limping for years - now that I can walk again without pain I want to do as much of it as I can - even in parking lots.

Church

When I was a child I attended a Wesleyan church.  I attended this church because my older sister wanted to go to Sunday school. My mother, a very practical woman, decided that the best way to handle this was to walk us to the church that was one block away from our house. It happened to be a Wesleyan church.

For those of you unfamiliar with Protestant churches, the Wesleyans became a church when

they broke away from the Methodist church.  They decided that the Methodists were WAY too liberal so they separated to start their own, more conservative church - an 'evangelical' church in today's parlance.  When I was growing up the Wesleyans didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't play cards, didn't go to movies...didn't do a LOT of things that we did do in my house. We played cards, saw a movie here or there, my dad smoked for a while when I was young and had a drink every evening when he got home from work while watching the news. An occasional swear word could be heard. I didn't grow up in - what many church people referred to as - a 'church home'. 

Once I got out on my own and became an 'adult' I went through various phases of church attendance - attending for a while, abstaining for a while when I couldn't find a place that felt like a good fit - but generally I ended up at churches that were somewhat similar to the church of my childhood.  We go with what we know.  😉  So once I landed in Minneapolis I ended up at another church that could reasonably be described as 'evangelical.'

I chose this church for all sorts of reasons.  I had friends that attended and invited me. I thought the music was good. I thought the teaching was good. And, the church was BIG.  I could be invisible if I chose and, for a while, I did choose. There were some things I didn't like and wasn't particularly comfortable with but I stayed. Why?  Inertia. It was easy.  It was fairly comfortable. Why change?

But as time passed the discomfort I felt regarding some of the church's positions and attitudes regarding certain social issues and certain people groups became more and more difficult to ignore.  So I went into one of my periods of abstaining. 

The problem with that, though, is that I like going to church.  I like gathering in the same place with others to acknowledge corporately that there is something greater than myself.   I know that many people don't understand that 'urge'.  And, given the way that Christianity has been practiced by some groups I understand their hesitancy.  We've seen right and left how some people will behave in the worst possible ways and yet wave the flag of their 'Christianity' and their 'family values' as a defense.  But I like going to church in spite of that.  So the search was on to find a church that more closely aligned with my understanding of the answers to the infamous question - WWJD? 

I started with my trusty friend - Google.  I knew that the Catholic church was not right for me and I also knew that the evangeical churches were not the right fit either.  But I knew that I needed to try something different.  So my Google search was:  "open and affirming Episcopal churches near me."  The first one that popped up was St. Luke's in South Minneapolis. I went that Sunday and have been going back ever since.

It's a different expereience than the one that I grew up with and I wasn't sure I was going to like it.  There's liturgy - real liturgy.  (My best friend says that Episcopalians are JV Catholics. 😏 I see where she gets that.) Threre's a priest and a deacon - they wear robes.  There's a choir - they wear robes.  There are acolytes - they wear robes.  There's a piano. There's an organ. There's not a guitar or a drum set or a 'worship team' in sight.  We use a hymnal - no giant screen with words to praise choruses hanging from the ceiling. It's celebratory. It's reverent. It's moving. And it's open. Every week prior to starting communion we hear the priest say "ALL are welcome to receive at this table."  ALL.

This is a church that is filled with ordinary people. Young and old. Gay and straight. Immigrants. Refugees. All colors, all economic backgrounds, all varieties of family.  Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect.  But ALL are welcome.  For me, that is the answer to the question - WWJD? He would say ALL are welcome.  Amen.

Discretion

Nothing is more dangerous than a friend without discretion; even a prudent enemy is preferable.                                                                                          Jean de La Fontaine, French poet 

This will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me but at various times in my life, and in various circumstances, I have been known to have a big mouth.  I have said things that I probably should have held back on.  I have given my opinion when it wasn't necessary and, I'm sure, not particularly welcome.   I have commented when a comment wasn't required and I have, I am sorry and embarrassed to say, engaged in conversation that could only be referred to as gossip.

I have been guilty of a lack of discretion.

I am not the only one guilty of this.  We see that lack of discretion everywhere - 'reality' television programs, the news of public figures and politicians and their sexual indiscretions, 'fashion' choices of teenagers as well as posts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all other forms of social media.  The fact that I am not alone in this poor behavior is little comfort.

As I have spent more time in self-evaluation, I have become more and more conscious of the impact of my words.  I have also become more thoughtful and cautious about what I think I need to say in any given circumstance.  I'm sure that this habit can be annoying at times.  When someone is always carefully choosing their words, it can be taken as self-absorption, self-aggrandizement, or even as an attempt at deception.  I have been known to say, and people have said it to me, "Just spit it out!"  Always measuring your words can put a barrier between people.

In relationships where there is trust and deep knowing, that practice of "just spit it out" can become a habit - in many cases a welcome one.  However, even the most solid relationships need care and nurturing.   We can become so certain of our own interpretation of 'the truth' that we convince ourselves that our lack of discretion is

justified.  Henri Frederic Amiel, a Swiss philosopher put it this way:  "Mutual respect implies discretion and reserve, even in love itself; it means preserving as much liberty as possible to those whose life we share.  We must distrust our instinct of intervention, for the desire to make one's own will prevail is often disguised under the mask of solicitude."  Just because people choose to share their lives with us that doesn't give us carte blanche to speak aloud to others things that can be hurtful, even if we deem it to be true or in someone's best interests.

Recently I have been witness to the fallout of another's lack of discretion.  It has been painful to watch.  Hurt, betrayal, confusion, grief, anger -- all of those things have been the result of this lack of discretion - this violation of confidence.  Self-confidence has been battered, reputations have been harmed, and relationships have been damaged - perhaps irrevocably.

I can certainly understand the mistake.  As I say, I have made that mistake myself.  At times the desire to share what you believe to be truth can feel overwhelming.  If the circumstance is that you believe you have been wronged, 'setting the record straight' can make a lack of discretion seem justifiable.  In the end, though, I can't help but believe that such a 'victory' is a hollow one.

Politics, Part 2

I hate to be one of those people who takes the "when I was young" approach to dealing with the world. As tempting as it is, the fact is that the world isn't the way it was and whining about that generally does little good. Better to deal with reality, I've always thought, then waste time in 'if only' land. However, recently I find myself looking more and more at the way things used to be - particularly in the realm of politics.

I seem to remember that political elections took place and were hard fought. However, after the election, people seemed to 'get on with it' and work with what they had. It seems that when we made the transition from Republican to Democratic leadership (or in the other direction), elected officials (after the obligatory period of mourning and 'what- iffing') picked up where the 'other' had left off and built on what was there.

One of the most disturbing things for me coming out of the 2008 election was Rep. Mitch McConnell's public assertion that "The Republican goal will be to make Barack Obama a one-term president." The following 4 years of what appeared to be obstructionism for the sake of obstructionism were disturbing to me. The stated goal was not to move the country forward, solve problems, deal with issues and get on with the business of governing. I heard more than one Republican politician (and voter for that matter) expressing the opinion that the first order of business after Romney won this election would be to repeal the current health care law. Ultimately, that message was very clear. Our goal is to tear down. Our goal is to destroy. Our position is to assert that we are SO right and the others are SO wrong that the only answer is to destroy all the work that has been done so that we can implement our view of 'right'.

I was raised in South Dakota - a Republican stronghold. South Dakota has only gone the way of the Democrats in 4 elections since it became a state, the most recent in 1964 when I was 4 years old. Even so I came out a Democratic, due to any number of factors not the least of which was a strong parental influence. It should come as no surprise to my family or friends that I voted yesterday to re-elect President Obama. It probably shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who has read this blog for any length of time either.

I am, I think, a representative Democrat - a Democrat like the majority of others. I don't believe that all Republicans are evil. I don't believe that all Republican positions are evil. (My mind is not so certain when it comes to the Tea Party, I admit.) I don't believe in free rides. I do believe that people should work hard to support themselves and that, on occasion, they may need help and that providing a safety net for those circumstances is what a civilized society does. I don't resent paying my fair share of taxes and I expect others to do the same. (Yesterday I voted 'yes' on 2 local referenda that will increase my property taxes for the next 10 years - even though I have no children I believe that educating the children in my community is a public good.) I don't want to live in a 'nanny state' where the government dictates to me how I should behave in my personal life. And I believe that there are automatically some restrictions on individual freedoms that must come when living in concert with others.

I have worked very hard this political season to keep my comments and opinions to myself. I haven't plastered my Facebook page with cartoons or placards declaring my disgust with the 'other' or why my chosen positions have the moral high ground (which, I will admit, has been extremely difficult at times.) :-) I have been extremely reticent about 'liking' too many of my friends' posts either - no matter how on target I felt they were or how much I agreed with them.

However, in this venue I am going to take the time to say how pleased I am with the outcome of yesterday's elections - both nationally and locally. Any number of my friends who do not live in Minnesota often ask me (during the winter, of course) why I still live in this place. Yesterday, provides the answer. I live in a place where people still hold the civil rights of individuals in high esteem. While the races were close, both the voter ID amendment and the marriage amendment were defeated. Historically, Minnesotans have amended their state constitution to protect the rights of individuals and to expand or limit the rights of government. More Minnesotans decided yesterday that amending the state constitution to impose limits on the rights of individuals was not the type of state they do live in nor the type of state they wanted to live in. I'm happy to live in that state - even if there's 3 feet of snow on the ground 5 months out of the year.

So here I would take a moment to appeal to my friends and family members who are disappointed in the outcomes of yesterday's local and national elections - on both sides of the political divide. Please do not take on the Mitch McConnell approach to the next 4 years. Please do not dig your heels in and refuse to move forward in any way - "oh I'm just going to check out and wait until 2014 or 2016 when we can take it all back." Do not take the automatic position that if the proposal is coming from the 'other' party that it must be evil and must be defeated and if it passes our society is coming to a fiery end. Recognize that just because you believe it to be true - doesn't mean that it is the only answer or the only way for the world to be. Recognize that we have been moving back and forth on this political pendulum since the beginning of our country and we have survived.

I'm not asking you to change your positions or to stop supporting what you believe is right. I'm not asking you to change your political affiliation. I am asking you to put your energy into working with what we have. Support your legislators who are trying to engage in bipartisan work. Support local and national efforts to solve problems - even if the solutions are not perfectly in line with your sentiments. Support your government and spend your time working to make this world we live in better for ALL of us - not just those who share your positions.

I did the patriotic thing and lifted today's image from:
rocketxl.com

Failure

"You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think."

-Elbert Hubbard

The career that I have chosen to follow places me in a position to daily observe the experience of failure. Various students regularly make choices, what appear to be conscious choices, that lead them directly to failing. They choose to not attend class, having read my clearly stated policies regarding NO makeup (see previous post if this seems unfair to you!) They choose to not follow clearly articulated instructions for successfully finishing assignments. They choose to not hand in papers. When they do fail in a particularly spectacular way in the writing of a paper, they choose to not do the rewrite that I offer them for partial credit. In short, the majority of students who fail (in my experience) do so not because they aren't capable of success, but because they choose failure instead.

I also see failure in other areas of my work. I see hours of work wasted in committees studying a 'problem' and forming recommendations for addressing the problem, and having that work be dismissed or ignored due to an administrative position or a 'change in direction'. A failure. I see talented faculty members hired who then leave or are not asked to return for lack of effective mentoring or nurturing. A failure. I see years spent developing and implementing programs which are then abandoned when the newest hot trend appears. A failure.

The most painful failures for me, as a teacher, are those which seem to point out how students have failed to internalize, and thus how far I have missed the mark in effectively communicating, important elements of my field. One such failure I experienced at the end of the Spring semester this year in an Interpersonal Communication course. In ths course we spend the entire semester discussing ways in which you can make your communication in your personal relationships more effective - using Perception checks, avoiding 'YOU language' in favor of 'I language', taking responsibility for your own emotional reactions, and using techniques in handling conflict that lead to a more positive communication climate. Still, at the end of the semester, a student chose to miss class and then chose to be angry with me when I enforced my stated 'no makeup' policy and then chose to address that anger to me in ways that directly contradicted EVERYTHING we had been discussing for the previous 15 weeks. When I pointed that out, her response became even more angry, more ugly, and personally attacking. A failure.

Sadly, I am confronted with perhaps my greatest teaching failure on a daily basis. One of my former students has become a somewhat public figure in local politics. He is not a candidate (at least, not yet) but rather works in high profile support and PAC positions. He is asked to appear on local radio 'talk' (yes, I use the word loosely) shows and has been quoted in print and on television news as well. He and I are Facebook friends, so I am privy not only to his FB posts but also to his 'Tweets' as he regularly links his Twitter account to his FB status.

This individual and I have different political perspectives which, for me, is not a problem. I have a number of friends (and family for that matter) who hold positions that are diametrically opposed to my own. I don't object to anyone expressing their viewpoint and believe that, if we all agree to work at it, we can maintain friendship and loving relationships even when we disagree. The lion can lie down with the lamb, metaphorically speaking.

Daily, in this individual's communication, I see evidence that he not only did not internalize the concepts presented and discussed in both my Public Speaking and Interpersonal classes (both of which he took and passed), he seems to deliberately choose to do exactly the opposite - what we teach as being insensitive, ineffective and downright unethical.

This person embraces hostility in his communication. He regularly indulges in name-calling. When someone expresses a different opinion, he takes on a tone in his communication that basically implies the other individual is a stupid f****ing idiot that deserves contempt and ridicule. His tone in general is strident and angry and if you express a contrary opinion or position his tone is also derogatory and insulting.

He repeats 'party line' sound bites regardless of their accuracy. He backs up his arguments with rhetoric as opposed to facts. His sources are completely one-sided which, as we teach in the basic Public Speaking course, generally indicates an ill-researched, ill-formed and biased argument. I have seen him, in print, deliberately mis-quote and mis-represent the words of others, turning them to suit his own purposes and to support his position on a particular topic. This particular practice seems to be done with glee.

All of these things are counter to what we, in the field of Human Communication, teach. And of course, the worst part of it all is that if you confront him with this and ask him to reconsider his method of communicating, he denies that he is doing any of it. Underneath the denial, you can sense his pleasure in his 'effectiveness.'

A monumental failure. One which makes me particularly sad.

 

Today's image from:
workplacepsychology.net

Policies

A colleague of mine gives a quiz during the first week of her classes. The topic? Her syllabus. She wants to reinforce to her students the importance of understanding what they are getting into by enrolling in her courses. A quiz is her way of trying to ensure that students internalize pertinent information regarding the way she conducts her courses, the requirements, her policies, etc. I'm beginning to think she is on to something.

Most college professors have some sort of policy articulated in their syllabi. For some, it's attendance, others talk about behavior, and others, plagiarism and cheating. When I first started teaching my policies were few: come to class, do your own work, be respectful. It took me less than one semester to realize how woefully inadequate my policy section was.

Over the years it has grown and changed. Some things that I used to think were important I no longer care much about. Other things have emerged as 'problem areas' that need to be addressed from the outset of a class. The biggest reason for the change is the change in students and administrators. When I began teaching, few students really questioned the policies in the course and most conformed to them with little fuss. But all it takes, of course, is for one person to challenge you and to have one administrator refuse to back you up because "it's not in your syllabus." No matter that you said this policy aloud, on multiple occasions throughout the semester. If it wasn't written, it wasn't valid. So the syllabus has become longer and longer and the policies have become more and more detailed. The one I want to talk about today is my 'make-up' policy.

My policy for making up missed work is simple - there is NO make-up. That's right - none. If you choose to miss class for whatever reason and you miss an activity that is worth points - it's a miss. A zero. Simple. Fair. It applies to everyone. No exceptions. No special circumstances. Everyone gets treated the same.

Now, before you start thinking that I'm totally out of touch and unreasonable, let me clarify a couple of things. Yes, I realize that sometimes emergencies come up. Sometimes you get a flat tire on the way to campus. Sometimes you or your kids get sick. Those and other things all happen and are all reasons people might choose to miss class. People also choose to miss class because they have a hangnail, because it's sunny outside, because it's Tuesday. I don't ever want to put myself in a position to judge the value of someone's reason for not attending. I can't judge that one person's reason is good and another person's isn't. That's hardly fair. So, I don't judge at all. The policy applies to everyone, all the time.

In a class that meets twice a week we have approximately 30 class meetings during a semester. I have some sort of point generating activity in virtually every class session. Eleven of those activities are quizzes, the dates for which are announced in writing in the syllabus. If students know they are going to miss a class period with a quiz, I allow them to take a quiz in advance - one time only. I also drop the low quiz at the end of the semester so if they happen to miss one unexpectedly, that quiz counts as their drop.

Most of the other days of class I have some other sort of activity. All the activities are in response to what we are discussing in that particular class period so if you miss the discussion, the activity is meaningless. Most of those activities are worth 5 or 10 points. Occasionally there's an activity worth 15 or 20 points, but those are relatively rare and are also announced. Some of those activities are 'completion' activities, meaning if you do the activity you get all the points. Missing one or two or even three of these activities are simply not going to impact someone's grade in any significant way.

Even so, every semester I get emails. They generally go something like this: "Dear Judy. This is so-and-so from your such-and-such class. I won't be in class today because..." And from there you can just fill in the blank. "Because I have to pick my mother up from the airport, because I have to take my little brother to soccer practice, because my cat died, because I'm not feeling well, because my grandma is in the hospital, because my boyfriend's cousin's aunt's sister is in labor..." This sentence is then followed by "Please allow me to get credit for being in class anyway and allow me to make up the points I will miss."

My reply is standard. "Dear so-and-so. Thank you for your note. I'm so sorry to hear your cat is sick, you're not feeling well, your grandma fell. I certainly understand that we can't help it when we get called into work unexpectedly, when family obligations come up, when... I'm sure you understand that I must treat all students equally so I must follow the policy stated in my course syllabus and cannot allow you to make up today's activity. Please remember that this is only 5 points and this one absence will not hurt your grade. See you next class."

Most students respond as you might expect. "Okay. I understand. Just thought I'd ask." If I were them, I'd have asked too.

But every now and then someone decides to get big. This time, it was really big. "You are a horrible person. Your policy is unethical. I'm paying for this class and have the right to miss whenever I want without a penalty. You clearly don't love your family. I'm going to tell everyone I know how horrible you are and that they should never take a class from you..." You get the idea.

I know I've written about the entitlement attitude before. This particular student seems to have any number of other issues going on in addition to that -- lack of maturity and unwillingness to accept responsibility for her choices are but two of those. Even so, I am fascinated by this student's approach. From the immediacy and ease of her responses, it seems that this is the technique she most likely employs in most life situations. And maybe, for the first 20 years of her life, it has been working for her. Hopefully, this experience will be her wake-up call.

Journalist and host of CBS News Sunday Morning Charles Osgood is quoted as saying, "There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule." My experiences in teaching certainly continue to prove the truth of this sentiment.

Today's cartoon comes from: http://my.hsj.org/

Praise

Once in a century a man may be ruined or made insufferable by praise. But surely once in a minute something generous dies for want of it. - John Masefield

As a teacher of Public Speaking, I well understand the importance and power of Praise. On a regular basis my students put themselves on the spot - put their egos on the line - and get up in front of a room full of relative strangers to speak aloud their thoughts and ideas. It's not easy. For some people it's a little anxiety producing, for others nerve-wracking, and for others absolutely terrifying.

Giving positive feedback is an essential part of my job. It doesn't matter how 'bad' a student presentation is, I find something to praise. I don't care how far I have to stretch, there's a compliment to be found somewhere. If I can't praise their organization, I look to praise their supporting material. If not that, their use of visual aids. If not that, the attention device they use in their introduction. If nothing else at all, I can at least find a way to compliment something about their delivery skills. "You didn't move around nearly as much as you did last time and you also reduced your verbal fillers significantly. Good job!"

Without some form of positive reinforcement, most of us grow discouraged. While it would be nice to believe that we all are motivated purely by the desire to do a job well, the fact is that most people need a little more encouragement than that - particularly when the job that must be done is one that is undesirable, seems unnecessary, or seems downright oppressive and burdensome.

Recently, my department members and I finished just one of those jobs - program review. This is a process that our administration requires each department to go through on a periodic basis. And while the thought behind the requirement is probably a good one, our administration, in my oh-so-humble opinion, misses the boat on the execution.

Each department is required to submit a report. In that report we are required to articulate any number of things that, quite frankly have little to nothing to do with the daily work of teaching in the classroom and making a difference in the education and lives of our students. (The instructions for doing the report run 6 1/2 pages, bulleted and single spaced, if that gives you any idea of the scope of this project.)

My colleagues and I have been working on this document since January of 2011. During the Spring semester of 2011 we met bi-weekly for 2 hour meetings. During Fall semester of 2011 we met weekly for 2 hour meetings. And during this Spring semester of 2012 we met weekly for 1 1/2 hour meetings. That's a lot of time and energy being spent on this process.

Parts of this process turned out to be productive. We talked at length about students, content, skills, and outcomes. We revised all our common course outlines. We discussed what makes our classes successful and where we need to improve. In other words, we worked very hard and did very good work.

This week we had to appear before the Academic Council and Management Team to "present" our findings. We were asked to give a very short (2-4 minute) presentation about our report highlighting a couple of our strengths and a couple of our goals and then we responded to questions for another 20 minutes. It was a fascinating process. It was clear that some people had read the report. It was equally clear that others had not. We were asked a few questions and told where we came up short - where we were unclear, where we needed more detail, where we did something wrong.

And there was not one compliment. Nothing. The options to give even the faintest of praise were numerous. "Good report." "Well-written." "Thorough." "Insightful." "The focus on 'X' was helpful." "Clearly articulated goals." "No typos." But none of those things were said. They thanked us for coming and then we left. A year and a half of really hard work and not even a 'thanks for slogging through this' to show for it. We processed the experience afterward and we all agreed that this was one of the things that makes workers everywhere disappointed and discouraged. One of my colleagues actually felt sick to her stomach following the experience. To say we were demoralized would not be putting it too strongly.

As teachers we are used to working in isolation and we are certainly used to criticism. We are told in no uncertain terms on a daily basis what we are doing wrong and how we are falling short and where we need to work harder and do better. We work without much praise at all, and most of the time we're okay with that. We continue to work because we know the value of what we do may not be recognized in the moment, but that it is there. The rewards of the work are generally not dependent on praise.

But praise and encouragement
are things that help us all to grow and continue to try. Without them motivation begins to flag, dis- courage- ment sets in and, eventually, even the most positive and hard-working among us begin to get a little cynical. So, it's a word to all of us to give someone a boost -- find something to praise and give someone a little encouragement.

Today's image from:
rishikajain.com

Opportunity

"You are younger today than you ever will be again. Make use of it." Anonymous

Good old Anonymous hits the nail on the head again. Many life events have transpired to remind me over and over in recent weeks that life is oh-so-short and we have no guarantee that we will see even one more day of it. Almost daily the news has held stories of people dying unexpectedly - the car accident, the heart attack, the natural disaster. An even more vivid reminder for me has been the visit of #2 Redneck brother.

I have 2 Redneck brothers - a title which both of them wear proudly. #2 Redneck brother was here to do some doctoring up at the U. He has been living with a rather
rare form of cancer called Cutaneous T-cell lymphoma. The disease has taken him on a bit of a roller coaster since his diagnosis, as I'm sure you can all imagine. He was here because the treatment he had been under was no longer working to keep the disease sufficiently at bay. Thus the visit to the U - new chemo protocol.

One of the symptoms of this particular cancer is tumors that grow in the skin. Once the tumors reach a certain stage, they break open leaving the patient with what amounts to open sores on the body. There was a period of time where the sores were completely under control. About 6 months ago they began to reappear - the sign that the chemo regimen was no longer working.

Part of what my brother must do, then, is bandage those sores. They are painful, they bleed easily if bumped, scratched, or rubbed, and there are many of them. Each evening my brother takes his daily shower. It takes him approximately 30 minutes to unbandage before the shower. After the shower, a salve containing chemotherapy drugs must be applied to the sores. Then, he must re-bandage. The bandaging process takes 2 1/2 hours -- that's with help.

Hard to imagine - I know. But almost his entire body must be bandaged. His legs from ankle to mid thigh. His arms from wrist to shoulder. His torso from waist to neck, both front and back. He jokes about being a mummy. The bandaging keeps the sores clean reducing the chances of infection. The bandaging, practically speaking, protects his clothing, sheets, and furniture from bloodstains. The bandaging also helps in managing the amount of pain he experiences throughout the day.

My brother's attitude is incredibly positive. He sees no reason to stop fighting and give up. He sees no reason to whine and complain even though at times during the bandaging process the pain is so intense he has to grit his teeth to ride it out and it leaves him shaking afterward. He sees no reason to stop working and sit around the house. Instead, he sees the opportunity that is each day and he is taking full advantage of the ones that he has left.

The lesson could not be clearer. Take advantage of the opportunities that come your way. Tomorrow is not a promise for any of us - it is a wish. So when opportunity is in front of you - grab on to it. Hold it tight with both hands. Immerse yourself in it. Experience it. Enjoy it. Revel in it.

You may end up being pleasantly surprised. Your opportunity may turn out to be everything you hoped it would be. It might end up being a "mistake." You may end up with some of those regrets I spoke of last time. You may get hurt. But you will have lived. You will have lived fully. You will have chosen to experience everything that life has to offer you. No one will ever be able to take that experience away from you.

I've taken the opportunity of acquiring today's image from:
certifiedorganicskins.com

Regrets

I've been doing a lot of reflecting of late. I spent time with a very dear friend recently and we did some of that reflecting together - our
conversation is actually what has motivated this bout of introspection. One of the things we talked about was the question of regrets. Did we have any - what were they - did we see ourselves doing anything about them at this point in time - would those regrets change our future actions. Maybe you've had similar conversations, similar thoughts.

At the time, I said that I didn't really regret much of anything that I had done. And in big terms, that's true. I can look back and freely admit that I have done things that others probably regarded as monumental mistakes. And, considering some of the outcomes of those choices, perhaps they aren't that far off. But I don't really regret those things. In terms of things I've done, I regret small things - character things. I regret the times I've spoken thoughtlessly, the times I've been careless with others' feelings. But in terms of Big things - I tend to look back on all those questionable choices and outright 'mistakes' in my life as 'opportunities for growth' as opposed to things to regret. It's served me pretty well or at the very least has kept me going forward.

However, the more I've thought about this the past few days, the more things have come to my mind. And I guess that I do have a few regrets. The thing that they all have in common is that I didn't do them - as apparently others have decided as well if a Google search of 'regret quotes' is anything to go by. This one, by Zachary Scott says it in exactly those words - "As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do." Damn. Don't you hate it when people are right about something like this?

How many times have we skipped the opportunity to take a risk and try something new -- explore some new activity, meet a new person, travel to a new place, listen to new music, eat a new food, learn a new skill. The list is endless. I don't regret not buying anything or not having certain things. I don't regret not having a certain house or other things that might be considered 'impressive' or 'important.' I don't regret not having a job that would pay more money or have more prestige or, in today's terms, cache.

For me, the list seems to circle itself around experiences and people. As Hurricane Katrina came closer and closer to New Orleans, I regretted never having been to Bourbon Street. When my mother became ill, I regretted not hounding her to get her passport earlier than I did so that I could have taken her to see more of the world. I regret not having taken some chances with people in my past, instead choosing to stay safe and avoid the possibility of hurt. I regret not saying 'I love you' soon enough, or often enough.

When you scroll through all those quotes that smart people have said about regret, the main theme that comes through is primarily that you shouldn't do it. It's a waste of time and energy. It solves nothing. It's even destructive. But, then, there's our old buddy Henry David Thoreau. He had a different take on regret. He says: "Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh."

"To regret deeply is to live afresh." It's a curious thought. I think I'm beginning to understand a little bit of what he means. And, I'm thinking I'm ready to learn a little more.


Of course, I regret not coming up with today's picture myself. Truly. I think it's pretty funny and, of course, oh-so-true. Instead, I lifted it from:
blogoscoped.com

Ownership

So I got in a little Facebook argument the other day. If you know me you know how odd that statement is. I generally limit my comments on people's FB posts to clicking 'like' (actually I click 'j'aime', as I have my FB page set to French) or saying things like "cool" "nice pic" "congratulations." Original, I know. But this time, I made a comment - a real comment.


The post was by a friend who is actually a former student. His political views and mine are far apart and it's something that we good-naturedly joke about pretty regularly. Every now and then I try to remind him that he is to use his power for good and not for evil. He doesn't listen.

But this time I commented and criticized - and I was serious. He posted a link to an article and in his post he said "this person CLAIMS..." So, I followed the link and read the article. That person did not claim.

He was referencing an article that is on the extreme side - I'd call it one of those pieces that is designed to be inflammatory. My friend said "He claims if X happens, then Y WILL happen." That's not what the author said. The author said if X happens, then Y CAN happen." Those are different statements.

So, I called my friend on this. Specifically I said, "this is the type of comment that I would nail you for if you did it in a paper or in a speech. Go back and read again. He does not claim that this WILL happen. Twisting the actual words of others to make your point is cheap and inflammatory. It's something we discussed in the basic Public Speaking class under Rules of Evidence and the Ethics of using evidence to prove your point." If you're going to quote, do it accurately.

That comment seems to have started quite an argument - with my friend and also with another poster who commented. She defended my friend saying that he was not misquoting, that those words had been used in the article. He was misquoting. Yes, those words were used in the article - but they were not used in the order in which he claimed they were - hence 'misquoting.' He was giving his interpretation of the author's intent based upon those words - perhaps accurate, perhaps not.

While I may not disagree with the conclusion my friend came to, I do disagree with the way he presented his point. It's easy to take another person's words and twist them to mean what we want them to. We repeat part of what someone says, leaving out or adding in a significant word or two and we put it out there as being what the person actually said. I'm sure we all do it on occasion.

But just because we all do it now and then or at least understand why people would want to, doesn't make it the right thing to do. If people are saying something stupid - the stupidity will shine through. We don't have to twist their words and claim that they said things they didn't say. When you misquote and misrepresent what people say, you weaken your own point and leave yourself open to charges of being dishonest and unethical.

One of the comments the other poster made was to my friend was to say "thank you for having the courage to call out such high brow crap as this. Hitler’s adage “Make the lie big, keep telling it, and people will believe it” is as true today as it was back then. This rabbi gets the award for most incendiary, divisive, and intellectually dishonest article of the year. We have a moral obligation to call out these lies, not just sit back and just 'dismiss.'"

I laughed out loud when I read her post. I find her reaction - and my friend's as well -- as being absolutely over the top. They are crediting this writer with far more influence than he deserves and they are making far more out of this article than it merits. Really - the majority of thinking people who read this will dismiss it as the rantings of a nut. I could post links to at least a hundred articles that are more divisive and incendiary than this one that have been printed in the last month - not year. His reposting of the article as well as the reposting by his friends who are 'sharing' it gives it far more scope than it ever would have had if they had done what most people would: read the article, get to the offensive part, say to themselves 'Oh, for Pete's sake,' and move on.

But then, I wonder if that really isn't the point. We look for offense - we look for something to be angry and upset about - we look for something about which we should have 'a moral obligation' to speak out. I suppose it's human nature. And, I guess I can accept that.

What I can't accept is the misquoting. If you are going to quote someone - do it accurately. Don't claim that someone else said something that they didn't say. If you INTERPRET what he said to mean something specific, then say that - and OWN it.

I own the fact that I lifted this image from:
zazzle.com

Opinion

A few weeks ago I seem to have put my foot in it, as I am sometimes wont to do. I am currently serving on a committee to which my colleagues elected me a year and a half ago. This committee is charged with hashing out the various issues on which administrators and faculty often disagree, but upon which we must come to resolution.

Over the years, I have been pressed by a variety of my colleagues to serve on this committee and I have resisted. I felt that I didn't necessarily have the skill set that was appropriate for this environment -- specifically, I felt that I was too
inclined toward compromise to be effective in representing the faculty interests. While on my last sabbatical, a couple of individuals approached me again and seriously spoke with me about serving on this committee. Their arguments were compelling and I gave in and agreed.

As they say, all things are learning experiences and this has been no exception. It turns out that I was right about my hesitation but for all the wrong reasons. I am inclined to compromise. I am also inclined to give second and third chances. In this venue, though, I have made it a point to put to the side my personal views and to seek out the views of my colleagues, those who chose me to represent them. And in representing others, there is an obligation to speak out where there might not be if you are only considering your own interests.

Recently I did just that. I spoke out. The fallout has been interesting, to say the least. Going into this circumstance I knew that I might need to speak up, though prayed I wouldn't have to. I am my parents' child, after all, and learning from two masters I prefer to avoid conflict whenever possible. However, I was prepared. I had done my research, reviewed my notes, and spoken with several faculty seeking out their opinions and perspectives before the meeting to make sure I wasn't speaking inaccurately. I even had my favorite Maggie Kuhn (founder of the Gray Panthers) quote written on my notes: "Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes." I needed Maggie's support.

After a current issue we are facing was presented and a certain perspective on that issue was expressed, I stood (shaking internally) and introduced myself. I specifically started my comments by saying that I had a different opinion and wanted to offer a different perspective. I then presented my perspective concisely, with specific pieces of evidence to support it. Upon finishing and sitting I was shocked to hear the previous speaker's response: "Well, now that Judy has called me a liar..."

Is that where we are now? Are we in a place where any opinion that differs from our own means the person expressing it is calling us a liar? Seriously? I was absolutely stunned. I also was quick to point out that no, I had not called him a liar, that what I had done was express a different opinion and had identified it as such. The response to this was a "well, whatever" and a reiteration of the previous point.

Since the meeting I have been approached by several individuals. I've received emails. I've received phone calls, even a few at home as those calling were nervous about expressing their opinion at the office where they might be overheard. Several people sought me out in my office, or caught me in the hallway or on the mall on their way to classes. All of of them (with one notable email exception chastising me soundly) were very supportive. The majority thanked me for speaking up on their behalf and for sharing the information I had. Others thanked me for speaking for them as they were uncomfortable or afraid to speak up for themselves. Many of them also questioned the reaction that I received.

One of the individuals to seek me out was apparently as confused as I was. He asked "What was that about?" and I used the opportunity to check my perceptions. I asked "Did I? Did I call him a liar? Because if I did, then I need to apologize." My colleague said "No, you didn't call him a liar. You said that you had a different opinion." After a moment's pause he went on to say "Although, now that I think of it, by saying that to you he was kind of calling you a liar!" I decided to let that slide - while that is certainly one way to interpret it I guess, I'm not looking to pick up offense around every corner.

It was an eye-opening experience to say the least. It has caused me to reflect on a number of things. I've thought about how easy it is to speak carelessly or thoughtlessly. I've thought about how easy it is to become overly certain of our own positions. I've thought about how thin-skinned we sometimes are and how easily we take offense, often when none is intended. And I've thought about truth and lies and ethics.

When I was elected to this position I knew it was a 2 year commitment. Six months into it, I knew I had been right to resist for all those years and also knew that this one term of 2 years would be my last. With 6 months left to go, it would be awfully tempting to simply give in -- be silenced, keep quiet, smile and nod, be agreeable and not make any waves. And while it would be the easy choice, I have to admit to myself that it wouldn't be the ethical one.

Opinions are just that - opinions. Some are popular and some are not. Some are welcome and some are not. Either way, expressing your opinion does not mean you are calling all others with a different opinion liars - and it doesn't mean you shouldn't speak - even if your voice is shaking.

today's image:
zazzle.com